“I have given myself permission to be happy” – Read Clare’s Story
This article speaks about self-harm and suicide ideation. Please look after yourself when reading.
We help many brave and wonderful people at Hector’s House with their thoughts of suicide and self-harm, and Clare (name changed for confidentiality) is one of the brightest, most inspirational people we’ve been honoured to support. She has decided to share her amazing story with the Hector’s House community in the hopes she will inspire more people to reach out for support. We are in awe of her!
Clare is an amazing single mum of one who struggled with self-compassion, anxiety, self-harming and thoughts of suicide before contacting Hector’s House. When Lockdown hit in 2020, Clare’s fear of leaving the house escalated – as did her feelings of worthlessness. Luckily, a dear family member told her about Hector’s House, so Clare took the brave step of reaching out for support. This is her incredible story.
“I was questioning – what is the point of even being here?”
“Before Hector’s House, I was at rock bottom. The only way I can describe it is I felt as though I was at the bottom of a well, with water continuously cascading on top of me. I was suffocating, alone, with no support.
“During these dark days, I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t even go to the shops. Then the COVID Lockdown hit, and it knocked me for six. I kept thinking; ‘this is as good as my life will ever get’. I felt locked up with all my past traumas. It got to the point where I was questioning; what is the point of even being here? I thought I’d never be the person I wanted to be, and that was the worst feeling. I started believing this is just the way it is. This is just who I am.
“As a single mum, I would constantly feel that I was not enough for my child. When they went to bed, I would self-harm, making myself feel worse. I thought I deserved this worthless feeling. I hated everything about myself and would even avoid looking in the mirror.
“I thought everyone in public spaces could see that I was worthless. I constantly felt judged, which is why it was so hard for me to leave the house.
“I thought my friends didn’t need to be hearing about all my problems – especially if they’re going through their own things already. It felt like I was just putting my pain on more people. And although some people in my life meant well, their comments didn’t always feel helpful. They’d say things like ‘What’s wrong with you today then’ or ‘what have you got to be depressed about?’ I just thought – you don’t get it. You can’t see the pain I’m in.
“It was like I had lost my personality. I had stopped taking pride in my appearance. I had lost every part of me. I wasn’t living – I was just existing. I wasn’t living my life. It was such a dark time in which I saw no way out.
“The day I met Hector’s House is the day that saved my life”
“I didn’t think my life was going to get better – until I met the Hector’s House team. And believe me, I’d had therapy and support sessions with so many services beforehand – CBT, GP appointments, therapy; you name it, I had it! I was losing hope I’d ever get the right support before I found Hector’s House. I remember thinking ‘what’s it going to change, really’. But I thought I’d give Hector’s House a go after being recommended by a lovely family member. And it’s the best decision I ever made.
“During those awful days when I was lost in my thoughts and surrounded by the darkness, I went onto an online session with Hector’s House. That was a particularly bad day for me. I felt like I was going to break – and I almost didn’t attend the session, but I pushed myself to do it. And for the first time, it felt that someone saw my struggles. I suddenly didn’t feel like I had to hide it anymore. Tears were rolling down my face, my lips were quivering – and the Hector’s House team saw it all. They didn’t push me aside like so many people had done before. I felt important and worthy to be here.
“That day honestly saved my life, and that’s so scary to think back on. It feels so strange to say that because I can understand what Hector must’ve gone through, and my heart goes out to everyone else in dealing with the grief he left behind. I know it’s sad to say, but I didn’t want to be here anymore in those moments. I hated my life. I hated me. I hated everything. I just thought everyone would be better off without me. But when I read Hector’s story and I met the Hector’s House team, it gave me so much strength to keep going.
“I felt like a burden – but I kept showing up.”
“Initially when I reached out for support, I felt guilty. I thought; ‘these people are giving up their time to help me. Why are they wasting their time on me?’ I felt like a burden, but equally thought I was going to let the Hector’s House team down if I didn’t show up, even though I felt I didn’t deserve their support. I knew deep down that these people are here to help people like me who are struggling – and yet I still couldn’t accept that they were doing that for me. I had got into the habit of holding things in. But I kept showing up.
“The support Hector’s House offered me was so spot on – they knew exactly the type of therapy I needed when I didn’t know myself. They also just completely accepted me for who I am. I would go online for our sessions, and they didn’t care if I’ve makeup on or I’m in my PJs! That helped a lot and gave me loads more confidence.
The therapy I received through Hector’s House has helped so much. I can’t thank the team enough for it. I was so scared to do it, so it took me a while to accept their offer, but when I did it was incredible. I was so into it after a few sessions! I would feel drained and a bit exhausted afterwards, but it changed my mindset and the way I was thinking massively.
“After a few weeks I was able to go out and about in public again. Although it was hard, I was able to do it. It felt like I could live my life again. It’s something I will be forever so grateful for. I was mindful that I was experiencing hope for the first time in ages as well. I just didn’t think that something like that could happen to someone like me.
“I stopped self-harming – thanks to my new toolbox of coping techniques.”
“Slowly, I just started to feel more positive. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel again. Gradually, I stopped self-harming and putting myself down. This has been a journey – and I still have my low moments – but it’s been over a year since I’ve self-harmed. I’ve not wanted to at all because I have a toolbox of coping techniques to use during those down days now.
When I get low, I use the tools I’ve learned in therapy. Whether it’s phoning a friend, listening to music, spending quality time with my child, meditating on my own (and there are so many free meditation sessions on YouTube, it’s great!) I love spending time in the garden too. Or even just sitting in a room and being still – I do that so much now. I have found things finally that help me – I no longer feel the need to harm myself to cope with those big feelings. That’s been life-changing.
“I was also challenged to look in the mirror and say positive affirmations rather than negative things all the time. Even just a little ‘your hair looks nice today’ or ‘I am enough’. I also use gratitude now. No matter what, every night before bed, I ask myself ‘give me one positive thing that happened today, one happy thought’. Even on the worst days I still have something I can say – I went for a walk despite feeling anxious. I cleaned two rooms today and they look amazing. I made an effort to see a friend. And if I can’t think of anything at all, well –I say to myself ‘I’m still here’. That’s my positive thing. And I couldn’t do that before Hector’s House. I couldn’t see those positives. But when I look back on those dark days there were so many positives – even during lockdown. When I look back at photos from those days, I think; ‘my child doesn’t see my struggling. They see a mum that’s doing their best making sure we’ve had a fun day’.
“I have given myself permission to be happy”
“Although I still have my wobbly days, so much positivity has happened to me since being in touch with Hector’s House. I trust people easier thanks to all the kind people I’ve met at the charity. I was on my own for eight years, but I’ve met the most amazing partner since. They treat me so well, and they even do all my self-help tools with me! I have finally given myself permission to be happy.
“I now feel like I’ve so much to look forward to. I’m being the parent and person I’ve always wanted to be. I can do things I’ve always dreamed of doing – normal things that people do with their kids and loved ones.
“There are moments when I still need support, but that’s not a bad thing. I no longer see that as a negative. It’s what keeps me going. It’s funny because I spent so much of my life telling myself that I’m worthless, that I couldn’t even think of the opposite of that word was one day. It occurred me that I’d never said it to myself! And it’s worthy.
“I look back on those dark days now and I think I was so worthy – I was trying my best. It’s OK to have those bad days, in fact it’s normal. It’s a bad day, not a bad life. That’s so important because it doesn’t last forever.
“Looking back on that period of my life, I may have thought I was doing crap, but I smashed it! I did it – I got through it with the help of Hector’s House and the support from my family. Especially my Mum, who has been my rock and supported me through all my struggles, on the good and bad days, despite struggling herself.
“I will forever be grateful to Hector’s House – it’s been such a blessing in my life. For Hector’s House to be there for me, it quite honestly has saved my life. I’ve never been able to say that I’m proud of myself, but when I think of my story, I do feel proud because it has been such a journey.
“A message for anyone struggling right now – please reach out for support. You are worthy, too. I will preach that forever!”
“Retelling my story makes me realise how far I’ve come – and my wish in telling it to you all is that you reach out when you need help. There’s no shame in it – just go and get that support, love and guidance you so deserve. I will preach that forever! I feel so empowered after feeling so numb. I’m looking after myself now. My mindset has changed so much. It’s so important to keep going. Anyone can get through anything no matter how low you are. But you don’t have to go through it alone.
“What I have learned is it’s so much better to reach out for help before you reach that rock bottom moment. If you’re feeling a bit blue or feeling like you’re struggling, you can still get help. Even if you don’t feel something is a big deal, it’s so much easier to reach out before you’re at your lowest. You can pick yourself up a lot easier. That’s what I’ve been doing now, and it’s been working.
“Don’t be afraid to try again with support, too. There is always a way through – always someone else to turn to. Sometimes the path we try first isn’t the right one. Don’t be afraid to try again; a step backwards isn’t a failure! You can keep going and keep trying a different path.
“If I can give anyone else reading this the strength to reach out for support that would be wonderful. Because no matter what someone is going through, or how hard the time is, the best thing anyone can do is reach out and accept the help. It’s there for you, too.
“The textline I used (texting HECTOR to 85258) there is help there 24/7 and my goodness – just that alone is enough to give someone hope. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I was never judged at Hector’s House. They just listened and accepted me.
“Anyone thinking of reaching out, please think of my story and know that it would be the best thing you can ever do. Because Hector’s House do save lives, and they do more than they ever realise. Words are just not enough to describe them! I’m forever grateful for Hector’s House. It’s just been an honour – I’ve never met a bunch of people who are so kind-hearted and genuinely care. They are all so special, and I will be forever grateful to them for getting me through my darkest hours.”
If you have been inspired to reach out for support after reading Clare’s story, please contact us. You matter greatly, and you will never be a burden to us. We are here for you.
PS – If you’d like to help Hector’s House continue supporting people like Clare, please consider leaving a donation here. Every penny we receive is spent with the utmost of care. Thank you.
